WIELDING WORDS WISELY: Part One

by Sandy DeVera and Angel Alderson

Rudyard Kipling once said, “Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.” So we need to ask ourselves, do I teach my child to use words wisely, safely and effectively? Being able to communicate well will benefit our children in every aspect of their lives. They will be better employees, employers, spouses, parents, friends and witnesses for Christ if they know how to discuss an issue, debate an issue or handle a dispute over an issue. In the next few Encouragers, we want to offer practical ideas you can implement in your home education to prepare your children to be effective communicators – even if you feel like you “never know what to say” – and we'll start with how to help your children have a discussion.

A discussion is an earnest conversation or consideration of a subject by two or more people. Asking your family, “Where do you think we should go on our summer vacation?” might start a discussion because one person might suggest Morro Bay , another Disneyland , another camping in King's Canyon and you would have different ideas sparking everyone's imagination. In a discussion many opinions are valid because the goal is to present options, and one idea may suddenly lead to a totally different idea. In the same way you would show your child how to keep a campfire under control, you may need to train your children how to feed a discussion so it doesn't die out. At the other extreme, a discussion poorly controlled can quickly blaze into a wildfire of a verbal argument.

The fuel for a discussion is a topic of common interest. Ever been in a group where people are talking about a hobby or interest you know nothing about? Or worse, ever had one person lecturing while the rest of the group has no response? We've often had to explain to our sons, “I am not the best choice for discussing strategy on that particular video game because I have never played that kind of game. Let's discuss something we both have ideas about.” Now, if the only thing your son wants to talk about is video games, then maybe you will have to break down and play some so you have a common topic of discussion. But there are other ways to spark a conversation.

Enjoy a book, magazine or movie together then discuss it. If you've rented the movie, you can occasionally pause it and ask, “What do you think the character is going to do next? What would you do in that situation?” The same can be done with a book you are reading aloud to each other. When you have finished the book you might ask, “How would you have changed the ending?” Books that provide interesting things to discuss are Hero Tales (Dave & Neta Jackson), Jesus Freaks by DC Talk, and Sticky Situations (Betsy Schmitt). If an adult “screens” the questions put to children the book If . . .(Questions for the Game of Life) and its sequel How Far Will You Go? (Questions to Test Your Limits ) by Evelyn McFarlane & James Saywell also provide conversation starters. Art books such as the Come Look With Me series by Gladys S. Blizzard provide classic works of art to enjoy with questions for discussion, enhancing both a child's communication skills and his ability to appreciate art.

Find a Bible study you can do as a family that provides life application questions. You need to study Scripture to know what it says and what it means. Where the discussion comes in is when your family answers the question, “What does it mean to me?” In what circumstance could they imagine applying the lesson presented? If they can't make a personal application or situational observation, ask them what aspect of God's character they see revealed in the passage.

 Along with finding something to discuss, you need to teach your children the basic rules of a discussion: taking turns, tact, and timing. A discussion requires taking turns. Until your children master this, you may need to “officiate” by reminding siblings of whose turn it is to talk and making sure they get their turn to express themselves graciously. That means the eldest child doesn't get to cut the others off with a “that's stupid,” nor does the youngest get to holler, “You don't know anything!” Depending on birth order, you may find certain children reluctant to speak at all because they know they will be denounced by older siblings or interrupted by the younger ones. Above all, your children learn by observing how you take turns listening and speaking with others and with them.

Tact is the ability to appreciate a delicate situation and say the kindest or most fitting thing. This is why children have to be taught not to discuss bodily functions at the dinner table or personal issues in a public place where you can be overheard. In a discussion, you don't have to agree with what the other person is saying but you have to respect their right to a tactful opinion. Rudeness kills a discussion and so does criticism, derision, or mockery. A discussion is different than a defense and there doesn't need to be spoken approval or disapproval – no one has to “win” a discussion. Discussions often take on a life of their own and can wander all around a topic. Sometimes they need to be herded gently back on track but that does not mean a child who has grown bored gets to force the conversation backwards or forwards. It takes tact to steer conversations and it is best done as if you were tapping croquet balls with a mallet rather than hitting home runs with a baseball bat.

You also need to help your children judge the appropriate timing for a discussion. We've found taking walks with our children gives them both exercise and an opportunity to talk about what is on their hearts. Just before bedtime is another good “window to their soul” opportunity to discuss something they've been pondering all day. In the same way approaching Daddy to request an expensive purchase while he's paying bills is not wise, your child needs to learn that trying to have a discussion with you while you're in the final preparations of dinner or driving in a tense traffic situation is poor “timing.” In the crowded, socially conscious Japanese culture a person considers "Is this the right thing to say? Is this the right time to say it? Am I the right person to be saying it?” before they speak. In our outspoken Western culture, it's still not a bad idea to have your children check themselves before they speak: Have I something to talk about? Is this a good time to discuss it? Is it my turn to speak? The better they get at answering those questions, the more gracefully they will be able to wield their words.